:: web demographic ::

Introduction

Web Demographic is a theory about the world in ten (potentially contentious) parts.

The theory was originally put together by our dedicated team of data miners, drawing on what might be seen as primarily trivial information supplied by Firefighters, Teachers, Artists, Website Listings Webmasters, Physical Therapists, Local Authority Development Workers, Pub Landlords and Guest House Proprietors who answered nosey questions put to them between January and May 2003.

The internet-surfing public has been sending feedback - desperately hoping to prove [or disprove] the theory - between May and October 2003. Our data miners have taken all these submissions into consideration prior to publishing this final version of the theory. Even though we think this is the final version of the theory, we'd still like to know what YOU think...

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Rules of Engagement

1. Click on one of the 10 Theory Statements.

2. Examine and weigh up the theory, the evidence and the feedback.

3. Let us know whether you think the theory stands up or not.

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Reviews

"Followers of Talking Birds' growing reputation will not be disappointed by their skilful delivery of sharp, almost surreal, humour...The straight faced satirical delivery...is joyful. The project is mischievous and absorbing." [a-n magazine]

"Outlandish and surreal, but at the same time, strangely plausible" [WD Participant]

"This is silly but compelling...You can read some wonderful cod-scientific explanations for the theories then vote on whether you agree or disagree." [Cobweb Express]

"Even the apparantly silly things can be tricky to refute..." [Birmingham Post]

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Will any counter examples I provide make a difference to the theory?

A. Counter examples are often supporting examples in disguise. Sometimes this disguise is hard to uncover (as in the case of the Kinneval Anomaly which has frustrated data miners for decades until now), but in many cases the disguise falls away like a cheap fake moustache. So we’re being pretty bullish about the theory, I mean we haven’t spend weeks of our lives on this for nothing, but if the moustache is strongly secured then by all means send it in, just don’t complain to us if whipping it off brings tears to your eyes.

Q. How do you know if participants have told you the truth?

A. We trust them.

Q. Does it matter if they didn’t?

A. What kind of cynical world do you live in?

Q. Because if they haven’t told the truth, won’t it negate the whole theory?

A. Well if . . . oh nuts, good point.

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The 10 Theory Statements

1. All first memories feature singing or the number four.

2. A disproportionately large number of people found fame in 1976.

3. Most people believe that the place where they are is really somewhere else in disguise.

4. People in Scotland are most likely to be spurred on by strangers to make a reckless world record attempt.

5. Cameras lost in Birmingham are most likely to turn up in Bucharest.

6. Families are more authentic in old photographs.

7. The identity of people in the South East of England is defined by the colour of their door.

8. Colorado Springs, US is an exact replica of Worthing, England, revolved through ninety degrees to the west.

9. Demolition is most likely to be welcomed in the west of England.

10. Nothing is mundane.

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Feedback

We would like to receive your feedback on any of The 10 Theory Statements. You can either submit feedback using our web form or via your own email package (which will be triggered by this link).

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1. All first memories feature singing or the number four.

Agree: 37.5% Disagree: 62.5%

Sample of Feedback received:

"My first memory is of my grandfather singing to me when I was about four - so that works out well. Although I suppose that technically that is my earliest memory rather than my first memory - I suppose my first memory would have been when I remembered that - by which time I could well have been five - oh well!"

"My first memory does not contain either......even so, it is an extremely convincing theory (I mean, who could disagree to such a theory without profound, scientifically claimed evidence?)"

"My first memory is of walking down the middle of a road towards my godmother who was taking my photograph. In those days, you could walk down a road and not get run over. This would have been about 1959, and traffic was virtually non-existent compared to today. Nobody was singing and the number four did not occur. I was eighteen months old at the time."

"My first memory involves being battered around the head with a spoon by someone else at playgroup - there was definitely no singing and we were only 3 at the time....or was I? Oh god, I might have been 4..."

"My first memory involves a group of children with dogs blocking the road - very unkind. I can't remember how many children, but all the dogs had 4 legs."

"My first memory features the eternally great BBC Radio 4 Shipping Forcast"

"My first memory is of playing in the sandy-coloured gravel of a pub car park while a lot of people watched motorbikes go past, although I don't actually remember the motor-bikes per se; this is merely what I have extrapolated. The pub was at Quarter Bridge on the Isle of Man TT course, though, so I suppose that as a quarter is 1/4 it might actually have something to do with the number four after all. Bother."

"My first memory is of mistaking a cat in our garden for a pie."

"People feel able to claim memories from age four - claiming to be able to remember things from age two is usually greeted with howls of derision, and claiming no memories of anything before the age of 42 implies membership of a heavy metal band!"

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:

The flashback simulator used in the demonstration of this theory on the original website, which was created using regressive parameters to rationalise memory information into its essential constituents, began to throw up some unexpected side effects in those attempting to reach the essential mono-component of their memory. By mid-June, it was becoming clear that one of the more pronounced side effects caused by this rubbing of data nodes was some cross-contamination of the memory mono-component.

We have reason to believe such cross-contamination to be the root cause of the majority of dissenting feedback received, as participants became convinced that concocted memories left by previous devious participants were in fact their own. We have no factual evidence to confirm the proportion of data contaminated in this way, but believe it to be a significant enough proportion to warrant leaving the theory as it stands: All first memories feature singing or the number four.

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2. A disproportionately large number of people found fame in 1976.

Agree: 50% Disagree: 50%

Sample of Feedback received:
"It's probably true, summer brings out the silly season, and it was (apparantly) a very hot summer... It was the summer of punk and everything too, wasn't it? That would have made Malcolm McClaren and the Sex Pistols and that rather haggard looking fashion designer bird famous too. Plus there was all that glam rock stuff and whatever too. Not to mention that '76 would have been midway through the worst decade for fashion ever. I mean, have you seen the sheer low budget-ness of British TV at the time? Jimmy Saville in a jumper capable of generating enough light to illuminate the whole of Colchester.

"In 1976, Fame was secretly introduced into the water supply in a novel government experiment. Britain's top motor manufacturers were over stocked. By introducing fame into the water supply those individuals who drank the most water (ie not alcohol) bought up the surplus vehicles. By 1980 most were reduced to working in garages polishing & valeting the cars of those who had genuine fame, not the 2nd rate rubbish that had been force fed to the majority."

"Judith and Vicky got told off by the French teacher in 1976 for giggling in class and asked what was so funny. They couldn't tell this because what they had actually been doing was trapping pairs of aphids in a matchbox and trying to get them to mate, frequently whipping open the box in an attempt to catch them at it."

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:

1976 produced a far higher incidence of fame than any other year featured in the original period of research involved in the drawing up of the Web Demographic Theory. 1976 was also noticeably significant in a large proportion of feedback received. An extremely high percentage of respondents declared it to be the most significant year in their lives, often featuring significant births. It is unclear whether this is down to chance or is perhaps as a result of the heat.

Much of the data submitted to support opinions about this theory makes reference to the heat of the summer, and on the basis of this, data miner DN has posited the theory that perhaps much of the non-famous population was indisposed as a result of the heat, and this led to a disproportionately large percentage of the active population being recognisably famous. Additionally, these (famous) people may have had more disposable income leading to higher expenditure on cooling items such as drinks and fans, which enabled them to continue to function when much of the population just could not. This adjunct to the original theory will be put to the test next year, subject to further government funding.

In the light of the above and the dead heat (excuse the pun) of the feedback percentages, the original theory stands: A disproportionately large number of people found fame in 1976.

[It can further be noted that though the year itself didn’t contain the hottest summer on record (1998 had a hotter summer, as did 2001 and 2003) 1976 is nevertheless famous for having the hottest summer on record. It has therefore been suggested that, in addition to the above theory, there remains something tautologous about the sentence ‘1976 is a famous year.’]

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3. Most people believe that the place where they are is really somewhere else in disguise.

Agree: 42.8% Disagree: 57.2%

Sample of Feedback received:
"All of the road signs in my town are 'temporary' and easily removed or changed. When in conversation with the local MP recently he couldn`t remember the name of our town and had to be reminded. I once woke up late at night and there were men outside in overalls moving stuff and when they saw me they hid. On a motoring holiday in a small Scottish town I saw about ten people from my own town there and they were surprised to see me. One of the shops was an exact replica of my local newsagents except for the name.

"Well, really you're asking two questions. Firstly, do people believe they're in a disguised place? I suppose you can really only answer this with this survey, but what I think is more interesting is the second question, which is whether the place you're in is actually another one in disguise. One thing that's always bothered me is whether this planet is another world's hell. I mean, there's got to be life somewhere else in the universe, and presumably they die, and some might be evil, and Hell has to be somewhere. Personally I'd say it's located between Birmingham and Coventry, although Wolverhampton in it's own right could make a claim I suppose. So what would happen then when it snows in the Midlands? You could literally say that hell has frozen over. I wouldn't go spreading that around though because all sorts of people might come round trying to claim favours which you promised 'when hell freezes over'. Actually that would work in my favour because I've lost track of the amount of times women have said 'it'll be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you' to me. Think of the commercial possibilities. Winter in Birmingham would be an excellent marketing opportunity for the impossible. The M5 would be jammed solid during January. On a theological note, I once broached the idea that the Earth is somewhere else's hell to a member of the C of E clergy. He didn't take it too well, but that may have been because I interrupted him whilst he was in the process of reading a sermon."

"As we see via our eyes not directly from our brain we are constantly blinkered by perceptions. Seeing may be believing but belief alone does not make a fact...er...."

"The reverse situation is in fact the case. Croydon, where I am, is attempting to disguise itself, perhaps understandably, as somewhere else. Indeed a photgraphic competition has been run attempting to promote this idea! However analysis of the evidence offered has led to the conclusion that it is not a very good disguise."

"Shouldn't this read 'someone else in disguise' instead?"

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:

Evidence for this theory was derived from data which at times proved elusive, depending, largely, on a criteria of certainty popularly known as ‘gut feeling’. In an attempt to rationalise our participants’ gut feelings (see also: ‘suspicions’, ‘instincts’, ‘deja vues’) the Web Demographic team created a maximal data tree which examined smaller trees obtained by pruning away branches of the maximal tree. Unlike other methods, this method does not stop in the middle of the tree-growing process, because there might still be important information to be discovered by drilling down several more levels.

From the quantities of data received in feedback, it became clear that although many people believe that the place where they are is really somewhere else in disguise; and others know that the place where they are is really somewhere else in disguise but either (a) don't mind or (b) can't be bothered to make a fuss; still others - often those who admit they could be hoodwinked by a good disguise - have just not noticed that the place where they are is really somewhere else in disguise.

We have no data indicating whether the various disguises of each place are really of a comparable standard, and so on the basis of the feedback received, and the overly severe pruning of the maximal tree having caused a degree of leaf loss which cannot rightly be rectified before the spring, we have revised the theory to read:

Many people believe that the place where they are is really somewhere else in disguise.

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4. People in Scotland are most likely to be spurred on by strangers to make a reckless world record attempt.

Agree: 80% Disagree: 20%

Sample of Feedback received:
"You can't exactly blame a load of people trying to secure their own place in history by doing a one off thing, can you? I mean, once you've got the record, that's it, you're famous until someone else breaks it, and if the record's reckless, well, most people aren't going to be arsed to get up and do something dangerous like fall 2 miles without a parachute or eat a battered Mars bar..."

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:
There was a point during the collation of information relevant to this theory which seemed not only to verify its truth, but also to point to why it might be true too. At first glance the data tree focussed around a central node, The Forth Rail Bridge in Edinburgh, which was the location / subject / inspiration for much of the data content. Data Miner DN made a trip to the Forth Bridge where, after frankly risking his life, he found the following piece of graffiti scratched into the steelwork: "Why not?"

He took a picture of this, but lost his camera on his return to the Midlands. The photographic evidence has been lost (though it may turn up in Bucharest - see theory 5).

Throughout the feedback period, 55 world record challenges were put to our panel. These ranged from "most hightop sneakers thrown off a building" to "the longest time juggling whilst hanging upside down" to "most eggs eaten". As the feedback results show, in 80% of cases, the Scots contestants were the ones spurred on to accept the challenge, and so the theory stands: People in Scotland are most likely to be spurred on by strangers to make a reckless world record attempt.

[It is perhaps interesting to note that anecdotal evidence collected points to the fact that after Scots, the next most likely population grouping to be spurred on by strangers to make a reckless world record attempt tends to be clustered around seaside towns in southern England - particularly those towns in possession of seaside piers. A further study into the relation of these factors, and an examination of the possible correlation between the structural ironwork of the Forth Rail Bridge and piers in Brighton, Eastbourne and Worthing is planned for the new year.]

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5. Cameras lost in Birmingham are most likely to turn up in Bucharest.

Agree: 16.7% Disagree: 83.3%

Sample of Feedback received:
"My mate lost a camera in a cab coming back from the (lush) nightclub that was Pulse back in the day - for many years I have pondered where that very camera has disappeared to and all of a sudden it seems obvious that it should go to a far flung eastern bloc capital!

"I live in Birmingham and something of the nature happened to a friend. His parents live in Bucharest. His camera was stolen on a visit.........."

"I have lost many cameras in Birmingham and none of them have been found in Bucharest - I am pretty certain that they were buried in the huge pedestrianisation of Victoria Square and New Street, probably thrown out with the turf that used to be outside the Council House."

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:
Feedback on this theory threw up a hitherto unforseen plethora of data which quickly formed a tangled and overgrown data tree. Continual pruning throughout the process failed to make much of an impression, and there are still vast quantities of data nodes/buds unexamined. It has become clear that cameras constantly disappear and reappear all over the globe, forming an impressive network of communicative connections between countries and continents.

Evidence of the link between Birmingham and Bucharest remains strong, but it appears that it is not after all a one way route for photographic equipment - but that cameras can perhaps move freely backwards and forwards between these places. There was also a suggestion that other European cities whose names begin with B may be privvy to the loop. Barcelona was mentioned, as were Bratislava and Bologne. Needless to say, this requires further investigation.

We should note that there were also slightly non-germaine arguments from those who wanted to believe that their lost cameras remained within Birmingham, contributing to the bricks and mortar foundations of that fair city - buried under the new Bull Ring. We have some evidence to suggest that this is a rumour put about by the authorities in order to keep victims from making a fuss and to keep them spending money in Selfridges. But, to be fair, unless these cameras can be proved to be still present in Birmingham, then the data cannot be properly used as a counter-argument to the standing theory.

Despite the fierce criticism, we remain unconvinced that the evidence submitted can really counter this theory and so we stand by it: Cameras lost in Birmingham are most likely to turn up in Bucharest.

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6. Families are more authentic in old photographs.

Agree: 90% Disagree: 10%

Sample of Feedback received:
"Families in old photos look more authentic because you can leave them in a dusty box safely in an inaccessable roof space or celler without guilt. Which is as authentic a desire for an authentic family as it comes."

"People are less authentic, take more pictures, everything has, in general, been devalued. Truncated moralities, shoddy relativism, a hat made from a human pelvis..."

"Cameras used to only come out on special occasions so people made the effort to look authentic. Since the advent of digital and disposable cameras, more photographs are taken at inauthentic moments than previously, so the average authenticity of the photograph population has decreased."

"In fifty years time the images of today will be less familiar and then seen as authentic. Although they won't have the advantage that the sepia, black and white, or colour saturated photos have of being more stylised and less realistic, giving them a certain look to associate with a certain space in time."

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:
We asked: Is it that, as photographic technology becomes more capable of being 'realistic', it becomes a less authentic medium? Does the photograph replace and become the memory? If more moments are documented, and they purport to be more 'complete’, do the photos - and therefore the memories - become less authentic? Is it because people’s relationship to the camera has changed? Or is it that people have really become less authentic?

The answers are uncertain. From the many necessarily subjective responses received, we have to conclude that there are many and varied reasons as to why people in modern photographs appear to have less authenticity, but it is almost universally acknowledged that in comparison with older photographs, they do.

We will still accept further feedback in the form of suggestions as to the reasons behind this phenomenon, and in view of the overwhelming support continue to leave the theory as it stands: Families are more authentic in old photographs.

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7. The identity of people in the South East of England is defined by the colour of their door.

Agree: 83.3% Disagree: 16.7%

Sample of Feedback received:
"South East doors appear luxurious. I live in the South East but have a green and shabby door. But it belonged to the former owner of this house and I haven't changed it due to (i) money and (ii) I come in the back way (sparkling new white door)."

"My door is blue and sometimes so am I - What better proof than this from the horse's mouth?"

"People choose the colours of their doors. Mine for example is a dark purple, but when I lived in the South East it was red."

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:
This theory holds for doors on the following personal properties: beach huts, garden sheds, doll’s houses and full size houses. It does not hold for doors on the following: lockers, cars, swimming pool cubicles, workplaces, shared apartment blocks. Doors excluded: Doors on the mind, the band The Doors, cat flaps.

According to the growth pattern of the data tree in relation to the evidence submitted in respect of this theory, whether or not choice is exerted by an individual, there is some residual property of the existing door that has some power of reflecting and defining the owners characteristics. This would appear to be incontravertable and does not exclude the possibility that certain factors - such as wear and tear, over-indulging in reality television related to boosting property prices, and downright greed brought about as a consequence of this over-indulgence - may cause an individual to change the colour of their door at certain intervals throughout the course of their lives.

The above has not been proven to have any detrimental effect on the over-arching truth of this theory, nor has the apparant contradiction inherent in those multi-faceted personalities who own more than one qualifying door in more than one colour. The theory remains: The identity of people in the South East of England is defined by the colour of their door.

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8. Colorado Springs, US is an exact replica of Worthing, England, revolved through ninety degrees to the west.

Agree: 69.3% Disagree: 30.7%

Sample of Feedback received:
"The evidence is overwhelming. That morphing photo is all the proof I need..."

"The theory seems to rest on the presence of a Morris Minor. I suspect there may be more than two of these in the world."

"My, my, my. It seems to be some type of time space temporal worm hole. I'm going to go downtown Colorado Springs US, chant a taoist incantation, spin nine times and walk to the west 90 degrees. If I end up in Worthing UK I'll call from there..."

"Having lived in Worthing in the late 70's - it was always referred to as the back of beyond and a place where granny's/grandpa's came to retire and or die - never once did I note that it was a replica of Colorado Springs, revolved thro' 90 degrees west - whichever way I rode my beloved chopper."

"Colorado Springs doesn`t have a pier, or seagulls and there`s no kebab shops, it doesn`t smell of seaweed or have the largest o.a.p population in western europe. It isn`t even by the sea."

"Many thanks... for highlighting the ridiculousness of the internet. And art. And of Worthing."

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:
Despite the varied feedback, and differing opinions offered, our team of data miners are convinced that this theory is in fact correct, although it is possible that this theory may have thrown up new data as a result of the Kinneval Anomaly. We remain committed, as this is the only one where we believe that the rotation has been exactly determined. [Other pairs of towns currently in the verification stage include: Coventry/Sarajevo, Birmingham/Bucharest, St Neots/Perth, Rochdale/Venice, Truro/New York City although it is possible that some of these may be mirror images.]

On the basis of the feedback received and of subsidiary experiments carried out by participants in both Worthing and Colorado Springs, we have reluctantly modified the theory to read: Colorado Springs, US is an almost exact replica of Worthing, UK rotated through 90 degrees to the west.

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9. Demolition is most likely to be welcomed in the west of England.

Agree: 100% Disagree: 0%

Sample of Feedback received:
"Looks correct judging by the map although a stronger hypothesis might be the correlation between JCBs, protestors, and the seaside. A lack of protesters may not equate to "welcoming" demolition and there are other ways of demolishing stuff too..."

"1. Demolition for many of us in the West Midlands is not so much a fact of life as being a socio-geographic prerogative and 2. Did no one write in from Harlow?"

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:
Tracking devices were placed on all the JCB’s currently operational in the UK, and on all the active protesters in the country. Whereas the trackers on JCB’s are live at all times, those on the protesters only register once the protester is speaking outside a prescribed conversational envelope (factors include volume, rage, and repetition, eg Out! Out! Out!) and is thereby assumed to be protesting.

The evidence is quite conclusive, and no counter-evidence has been submitted, therefore, the original theory not only stands, but has been wholly endorsed and is no longer in question but is now an official truism: Demolition is most likely to be welcomed in the west of England.

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10. Nothing is mundane.

Agree: 77.8% Disagree: 22.2%

Sample of Feedback received:
"Mundane is relative. A part of me fantasises about being fabulously wealthy and having flunkies perform all mundane tasks. But the rest of me remembers how Prince Charles had a manservant hold a jar for him to piss in and I think how sad that occasion must have been for both of them. In addition to this, at the moment I have a fractured ankle and cannot walk. I get around on crutches. I can carry a half-full cup of coffee, some small item, a bag of crisps, whatever. Many things I took for granted or found mundane are temporarily beyond my capabilities."

"There are a number of other things that really are mundane; like going to work to do the same old thing on a Monday or trying to find a good sandwich or trudging through well meaning but uninspired exhibitions. Is mundanity in the eye of the beholder and if so is the question flawed or incomplete? Why invent a word to describe something if it does not exist? I am sure it could be argued that the banality of mundanity is an accepted part of the modern condition."

"I am mundane."

"How can ANYthing be mundane, when the very fact of existance existing at all, to say nothing of our consciousness existing, is fundementally totally mysterious?"

"Mundane is not what it seems! The repetative, the automatic, sequenced task surely take up swathes of time during which the mind is alowed to wander imangiative landscapes. Is it not possible that Einstein made progress on his artistic theory of relatively while peeling potatoes? That J K Rowling hatched up Harry Potter while filing or shelling peas? That Ptolomy made up the laws of goemetry while waiting for the ship to arrive? Without mundane activity discovery and imagination are diminished. Is there then a law of munadity which says that the mundane and the imaginative exist in equal proportions in the world, are mutually supportive and in balance?"

"There is merit in everything, it just slices up in different ways."

Conclusions drawn by our data miners:
According to Thompson's Tenet: "When I encounter the mundane, I reinvent it and invest it with some greater worth. Nothing in my life is mundane and everything gives me some, greater or lesser, pleasure."

The data that was requested in order to prove or disprove this theory was the name of a task, formerly known as ‘mundane’, that those contributing had found pleasure in. We argue that, based on the research findings, if pleasure can be found in a task, it cannot be truthfully labelled as 'mundane'. Ergo mundanis nillus.

There were over 90 contributions to the list of 'mundane' tasks from which those submitting data had derived pleasure - tasks which have now, in consequence, been stripped of the label 'mundane'. These ranged from "putting a trolley-load of reserved books into alphabetical order by borrower surname and then shelving them" to "making tea".

There were, of course, those who believed that some tasks remained too mundane to be reclaimed but on the whole the feeling was that the theory was a thought-provoking success, and so it remains as originally stated: Nothing is mundane.

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[visit Talking Birds website]